Overweight and unhappy.

I am 19 years old I weigh over 200 pounds. I loose and gain weight VERY quickly. I restrict myself from junk-food most of the time but then over-eat at other times. I see food and I want to eat..I put on 50 pounds in 2 years.  I am female and get teased...

My young friend, I feel your distress and frustration. Unfortunately, weight is one remaining acceptable prejudice in the 21st Century. The pressure to conform to a particular body type can be overwhelming, especially for young ladies in their late teens. I am not going to lecture you about the health risks of being severely overweight. I am sure you are probably well aware of them. I am going to tell you that "over 200 pounds" is not necessarily severely overweight. I am also going to tell you that thin is not as "in" as it used to be.

I see increasing evidence that full-figured, curvy, "real" women are equally well regarded as attractive and desirable. What I am trying to say is do not be ashamed of your size. I would urge you to learn to be comfortable with yourself. When you like yourself, then that self-love will shine through and attract others. If you would be more comfortable at 150 rather than 200, so be it. Make the decision to do something about it. Set a goal and determine the steps you need to take to reach that goal. Share your goal with a friend who can encourage you and keep you accountable.

You are lucky in several respects. You are still young and so your body responds well to changes in diet and activity. Believe me, as you get older it becomes more difficult to shed the unwanted weight. I sense that you would like to lose those 50 pounds you've put on. I cannot recommend any particular diet or exercise regimen. What I can do is tell you that it is a matter of personal discipline and finding what works for you. You know what healthy foods you should eat. You know that moderate exercise will raise your metabolism and burn off some of the excess. These messages have been drilled into us by the "fitness culture" we currently live in.

I also want you to understand is that a positive outlook is every bit as important as the diet and exercise. Don't punish yourself if you indulge once in a while. If you make yourself miserable trying to reach your desired goal, then you will resent the process and fight it every step of the way. Patience is also important. You say you put on 50 pounds over two years. Those 50 pounds will not come off overnight. The biggest reasons people try diet after diet losing and gaining the same ten to twenty pounds over and over is because they don't enjoy the regimen and so they cannot wait to get it over with. That is, they are unhappy with the process and have no patience to see it through. Another big problem is that many of the "lose 30 pounds in 30 days" type programs are just what they say, short term quick fixes. They are also often unhealthy. They rarely address real life behaviors and habits.

There you have it, my friend. You can overcome this challenge in your life. I have faith in you.

Ask a tiger.

Performance Issues

My husband does not seem to want to have sex any more ..it's sensitive but he can't seem to perform.  We had separated for a while since getting together again our sex life is almost non existent.  I think he no longer desires me ..

My dear concerned friend, let me first say that I understand and sympathize with your uncertainty. Let me also say that it is probably not as bad as you fear. There are many and various reasons why men may have difficulties of this type that are completely unrelated to his desire for you. My first suggestion would be to have him visit his doctor to determine if there may be a physiological issue. You say you were separated for a time. It is good to know that you are back together, but maybe there are some lingering issues that might require a good long talk, or several, to resolve. Ask yourself, and him, what were things like before the separation, how have they changed? I suspect there may be a need for rebuilding between you. On a positive note, there was something that brought you two back together. Purrhaps that is something on which to build a new and lasting romance. I wish the best for you, my friend.

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Client or Friend.

Dear Tiger, I did some work for a friend in Second Life and felt he was pleased only to discover that he has been complaining about me to others. I am concerned this could ruin my Second Life business and my friendship is ruined..how can i trust him?

My industrious friend, thank you for this question and for your contribution to Content in Second Life. I dislike it when people put on a false face then go around spreading negativity when the subject thereof is not present. The strategy for handling this is the same as it would be for any business, analog or digital. You should determine the source of your client's dissatisfaction (in this scenario he is more your client than your friend) and seek to correct whatever is amiss in such a way that does not hurt your business (i.e. - doesn't drain your finances overmuch). Here is an opportunity for you to show just how good your customer service skills are. You should approach him in a friendly manner with something along the lines of, "I have heard you may be dissatisfied with the work I did for you? I wish you would have come to me about it. I'd like to do what I can to fix it." I'd wager that once his grievance is addressed the episode will pass and the overwhelming voices of your satisfied customers will prevail.

Repairing your friendship is another matter entirely. Your friend displayed poor manners in complaining to others behind your back when he should have gone to you privately and explained his issues. A most ungentlemanly display. Yes, it will be difficult to trust him after this, of not impossible. Such matters of trust can only be repaired over time and even then only partially. You have to decide how important it is to you to maintain the friendship and whether you are willing to give him the time to regain your trust.

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Chattiquete - part 2

Also, what about friends who never reply when I initiate a chat? "Hi, how are you?" Nothing. And, then, there is the friend who almost always "hides" that she is online.What about that person? So frustrating and upsetting too..are they friends then or no?

Thank you once again, my friend. It is sad to say, but yes, even your friendly neighborhood tiger has been guilty of the non-response once or twice. However, I have taken steps to be more responsive. For one, the change to vertical tabs in the IM window helps considerably. Continuing the analogy from the previous question, if you do wave at your friend in the crowded room and they don't wave back, what does this mean? For the sake of simple common courtesy a recognition wave or nod of the head is certainly expected. The same should hold true in IM's and chat. A "Hi, how are you?" should at least be met with a return "Hi! busy right now." It would be perfectly acceptable for people to use the "Busy" or "Auto Reply" features. At least that way the initiating party would not be left unanswered. As I mentioned before, we often get very busy in our digital lives; so, failure to respond should not immediately be taken as a brush off or snub. If it becomes a regular pattern, however, then it might be a signal for concern.

Hiding ones online status is one way people cope with the continual pressure to interact which prevails in the digital realm. In the analog, one can shut ones door or leave a crowded room. It's not so easy in cyberspace. How do we re-acquire "personal space" when we need it? Sometimes people simply need to be left alone. They may need time for reflection or to finish a project. Is this a sign that they do not value your companionship, or that they don't want to be with you? Not necessarily. Is it frustrating? Undoubtedly.

You have touched on an underlying issue beyond courtesy, however. How do we define "friendships" in the era of instant "friending" via the Book of Faces, ning, spruz, plurk, SL, etc? If you have established a social connection with someone that goes beyond merely adding them to your Contacts list, then at some point a certain expectation and pattern of response develops. When one of the two parties changes that pattern the other will naturally wonder why. Should one feel slighted when a casual acquaintance does not respond to a "/me waves"? In general, I would think not. However, you seem to indicate by your question that the hider is more than a casual friend. If this is the case, then I can only assume they feel the need for social space. I cannot and will not speculate as to the reasons why.

Ask a tiger.

Chattiquete - part 1

When going into my instant messaging or Second Life and notice that someone else is already online, who has the ultimate responsibility to take notice? The person signing on or the person already there?

Thank you for your question, my friend. In this new era of continuous, instant multiple channels of communication, these matters of IM/chat ettiquete (chattiquete?) are familiar to us all. This is an excellent example. I would say that a lot depends on the circumstances and the nature of the relationship. It would certainly be impractical to suggest that we all have an obligation to ping everyone on our contacts lists who happens to already be on when we log in. That can swiftly become rediculously overwhelming for all concerned. If, however, the person in question was expecting you for a pre-arranged rendezvous or it is someone with whom you regularly spend most of your online time, then giving them an IM wave is reasonable.

One should consider that the other party is likely engaged in some other activity rather than simply staring at the contacts list waiting for you to appear (although this may be the case in some relationships). If they are in fact so engaged then it is quite easy to miss the "Bob is online" popup. This is particularly the case in SL when using Viewer 2. In this tiger's opinion, the popups have been made considerably less noticeable in Viewer 2 when compared to earlier versions.

In general then, I would put the resposibility of first contact on the one who has just arrived rather than the one already there. It is analogus to entering a crowded room and waiting to be noticed. It is much more effective to walk up to the person for whom you are looking and tap them on the shoulder.

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Pet Names.

If i was your pet dog - what would you name me

Rascal. That's a good dog name.

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How intimate is too intimate?

An intimate relationship I am involvedin SL is getting ever closer however he is asking a lot of questions about my real life avatar; height weight, even hair color..which he knows .. how initimate is too intimate?

Thank you for your question, my friend. That is quite a quandry. The easiest answer is that "too intimate" is anywhere past your comfort level. If you are comfortable sharing body measurements then go right ahead. If not, don't. You must determine for yourself what details you are comfortable sharing. Physical attributes such as those you describe are fairly innocuous in and of themselves. It is pretty much a given that very few of us look much like our avatars, although I do know a few people who are pretty close.

There are a few caveats, however. As with any relationship, especially in aetherspace, be careful what identifying details you divulge. Even if you have developed a high degree of trust with the other person, giving them such details as your actual name, phone number, postal address or even just the city in which your analog self lives involves an increased risk. It is quite possible that he is simply curious and genuinely just wants to form a more complete picture of who you are. It is quite reasonable that people we become close to in Second Life eventually become curious about the person behind the persona. If he is willing to reciprocate with like details, then that is more likely. However, if the exchange is one way that could be a cause for concern.

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Breaking Up Is Hard To Do

I don't know if you received my first question or not about trying to rid myself of an old partner ..I don't want to hurt his feelings but must move on ..how do i do this without hurting his feelings. i have been avoiding him now he is hurt.

It looks like the aether ate your previous question, my friend. I am glad you persevered to bring this to me. It is a nasty bit of business severing a relationship. It is hardly ever easy and almost always ends up with at least one of the two parties feeling hurt. I can tell you this; avoidance is not the right way to go. If it is time to end it, you must do so decisively. You and he need to get together and speak plainly with one another. It saddens me that a once bright flame has so dwindled, but it happens. If you really feel the need to move on, then simply tell him so. Don't be critical or emotional about it. Don't lay blame or be overly dramatic. He may get angry, defensive, teary or what have you, but that is natural. You two once shared a close connection. Releasing that will bring about a form of grieving. There is not much you can do about that. Speak plainly so there are no misunderstandings. Breaking up isn't easy. But it isn't the end of the world either.

Breaking Up Is Hard To Do (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1aFymSogiUY)

Play

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The Giggling Girlfriend

During sex just when things are getting hot and we are both close to well..my girlfriend giggles. It is kind of a turnoff for me. How do I tell her?

Woody Allen is credited with the saying, "Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing." Apparently, in your girlfriend's case this is not quite true. It seems to me, my friend, that your lovemaking fills her with such joy it bubbles out of her. Good for you! I'm not quite sure why this is a turnoff, unless it is breaking your concentration or throwing off your rhythm. But, for whatever reason, the fact is it does detract from your enjoyment. Have you asked her why she giggles? Asking about it in a way that conveys a desire to understand will open the door to discussing it without jumping first to "that bothers me". If you're doing something that makes her so happy, you might want to know exactly what it is so you can do it more often or more effectively. Also, understanding the cause may change your perception of the reaction. You may be surprised.

Ask a tiger.

Fight or Flight

My friend in second life is in a miserable marriage. He and his wife have three kids..he says he stays because of the kids, but the bickering and fighting between the two that he tells me about must be awful even for the kids..what is worse? the split or [the fighting]

A sad situation indeed, my friend. Thank you for reaching out with this dilemma. I will preface my response with a reminder that I am not a licensed marriage counselor, nor any sort of therapist. I am merely your friendly neighborhood tiger with what I hope are some helpful thoughts. Now, concerning your friend's problem I will say that first it is tragic. Unfortunately, relationships do sometimes fall apart. He says he wants to stay because of the kids and that is commendable. I have read reports that indicate children are better off with two parents in the house. However, if there is constant fighting between the parents, this has a negative impact on the children. The little dears pick up on all that negative energy and it can cause them more serious emotional problems than if the parents separated.

It looks to me that your friend is in a bit of a crisis. In this situation I see two alternatives. If he wants to save his marriage, he and his wife need to seek professional counselling to get to the root of why they argue all the time. Resolving that issue will, in this tiger's humble opinion, bear the most beneficial fruit for the whole household. After all, there was once a time when these two people loved one another. However, if the differences prove irreconcilable, then dissolution may be the only answer. He says he wants to stay for the kids, but frankly, if the relationship between husband and wife is openly hostile, separation may be the better alternative. I know several couples who simply could no longer live together, yet have managed to have relatively amicable relationships after divorce.

I would rather see people work out their differences and build stronger loving relationships, but this is not always possible, or practical. Occasionally, the road to domestic bliss can be a divided highway.

Ask a tiger.

How do I tell her I Love Her?

I'm in the throes of a new relationship, and my girl tends to back off if she feels that the other person feels more strongly about her than she does them. How do I work up the courage to tell her I love her?

This is quite a quandry, my friend. What I can tell you is this. In this tiger's most humble opinion, if you are still calling it a new relationship, then it is too soon to drop the L word anyway. A lot of people get hung up on that word. "Should I say it?" "Who should say it first?" I say, don't worry about it. Simply focus on building the connection between you. In time, as the relationship grows and strengthens, it won't require courage. It will just seem right.

Ask a tiger.

Second Life is bad for relationships, or is it.

Saw you on twitter Second Life is a terrible place for relationships. I have been the victim of too many gamers and game playing with my human avatar. I am glad to see Second Life having all these problems..it should be shut down

Well, my friend, I am sorry that you've had bad relationship experiences. Most of us have. I agree with you that there are a lot of people out there, in both virtual and actual worlds, that seem to thrive on emotional destruction. It is unfortunate, but sadly true. The relative anonymity of the virtual world and the immediacy of interactions within it does tend to amplify these behaviors in some people as well. In cyberspace, people act in ways that they never would in meatspace, in both good and bad ways. However, in my humble opinion, to blame Second Life, or any other environment, virtual or actual, for these behaviors is misguided. I know several people who met one another in SL, or other cyber communities, who have strong, loving, fulfilling relationships. Many of them are married and thriving in First Life as well. Online relationships are fraught with danger, but not so much more so than off line ones. One merely has to be a little more guarded, a little more cautious. Besides, at the risk of sounding like a cheerleader, there is much more to SL than relationships. A great deal of positive, creative, energy flows through those servers. Unfortunately, a lot of it has to either overcome obstacles "the Lab" has put in the way, or has to work especially hard at being heard above the noise of not so positive aspects. But, that is a topic for another forum.

Ask a tiger.

Parting is such sweet sorrow - NOT

I have parted ways with my second life lover, I think about her all the time though can't seem to get her out of my head. I ended the relationship feeling it was a dead end and why prolong the inevitable. Why continue something good that won't be real?

Thank you for this most fascinating question, my friend. It seems to me you may have burned this bridge a little too soon, and for entirely the wrong reasons. Your final question speaks volumes. Why continue something good? Surely, when one has something good going one should hold on to it and make every effort to nurture and deepen it. Even if it eventually comes to an end - which I presume is what you mean by "the inevitable" - is it not better to enjoy your current situation then to sit about pining away for something you obviously desire. I could understand if either you or she were perhaps encumbered with a relationship in meatspace. The sensible rule of First Life Precedence must be considered. However, from the tone of you query I gather this was not the case. If your intent was to spare her later frustration, I think you may have misjudged.



Now, I will address the second half of your statement. Why continue something that won't be real? I think you are under the misapprehension that what you had was not already real. I assure you, with the sole exception of actual physical contact (a point which technology may soon render moot) , digital relationships can be every bit as "real" as any other. I know from personal experience that they can engender the same feelings of closeness, affection, connectedness and comfort as can those solely within the physical realm. You say that you cannot get her out of your head. This tells me that your affection for, and connection to her was every bit as "real" as it ever could be.



Therefore, my friend, I hope you were able to "part ways" under somewhat amicable terms. If so, you might have a chance at renewing your association. If not, then I suggest you find a way to console yourself with the loss of your "something good."

Ask a tiger.

Actions Speak Louder Than Words

Dear Mr. P., If someone says they want to be involved with me, and they seem to like being with me when they are, how come they rarely give me the time of day, and though I see them online a fair bit, generally won't say hello unless I do so first?

Thank you for your question, my dear friend. This is indeed a most frustrating predicament for anyone to be in. On the one hand, this potential paramour has certainly expressed an interest. On the other, actions do speak louder than words. However, what exactly are these actions saying. It may simply be that they are quite busy carrying out their lives and while thus occupied have let certain social niceties go wanting. Speaking as one whose digital life is considerably more hectic and complicated than his analog one, I would not neccessarily take this as a sign of waning interest. Then again, I tend to be an optimist. The other possibility you must consider is that building a relationship may not be high on this person's priority list at this time. They are likely caught up in other pursuits; and, while time spent with you is enjoyable, it is not the only thing demanding their attention. What you will need to ask yourself is whether you are willing to put up with being one of many interests in this person's life. If so, then how long are you willing to wait for your turn at the top of the list?

Ask a tiger.

A Deal With the Devil

Dear Mr. P.,I find myself in the awkward predicament of being indebted to a demon. Unfortunately, I am unable to repay the debt at the agreed upon time. What would a tiger do, were he to find himself in my precarious situation?Sincerely,Miss P.

My dear Miss P. you have certainly managed to get yourself into quite a predicament. Deals with the devil seldom end well. Most of the literature on the subject suggests that the best one can hope for is a re-negotiation of the terms. Devils and demons tend to be sticklers for the letter of any agreeement. If you are lucky, you may be able to find a loophole to wriggle through.

You asked what a tiger might do. Well, a tiger would hardly put himself in such a disadvantageous position to begin with. Should he unwittingly find himself in such a predicament, however, he would endeavor to fulfill the terms of the contract with all due haste. Failing that, teeth and claws have their uses.

Ask a tiger.

Trivia Omnibus 2

What drupaceous fruit were Hawaiian women once forbidden by law to eat? Whats the most common non-contagious disease in the world? How many children were in Enid Blyton's Famous Five? What does VSOP stand for on a bottle of Brandy?

Another round of random questions of a trivial nature.

What drupaceous fruit were Hawaiian women once forbidden by law to eat? - This refers to coconuts. As to the reason for this somewhat odd taboo, I have no idea.

The most common non-contagious disease in the world is tooth decay. I suppose that is good news for the Dental Profession. Their services should be in high demand. However, it also points out that most of us do a poor job of following their advice.

How many children were in Enid Blyton's Famous Five? - There were four children. The fifth member of the Famous Five was actually a dog owned by the ringleader of the group, a yong lady named George. The Famous Five were the central protagoinsts in a collection of 21 young readers novels written between 1942 and 1963. Here's a link to the whole set at the author's aetherial space: http://www.enidblyton.net/famous-five/

What does VSOP stand for on a bottle of Brandy? - VSOP stands for Very Superior Old Pale. Brandy is distilled wine, that is the wine has been heated, the vapors collected and cooled. This removes most of the water from the wine and raises the alcohol percentage. Any wine with a an alcohol content above 15% is considered a Brandy. Brandies made in the Cognac region of France are considered Superior. They are made from distilled Champagne. French law dictates the labling of Cognacs. A congnac must be aged at least one and a half years to be labled VS, and at least four to bear the VSOP rating. The Old portion therefore refers to the aging. Pale refers to the use of white grapes, champagne grapes specifically, in the making of the wine from which the cognac was distilled.

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Trivia Omnibus 1

Which nation gave women the right to vote first?Which Ocean goes to the deepest depths?What is northernmost land on earth?Where is the Worlds Largest Aquarium?What country has not fought in a war since 1815?

Who am I, Jeeves all of a sudden? Does anyone remember that Ask.com was originally Ask Jeeves? Alright, well, here we go.

Which nation gave women the right to vote first?
New Zealand is often credited with being the first country to grant women the right to vote, in 1893; however, at the time New Zealand was not an independent nation. It was a semi-independent, self governing British colony. Also, while they could vote, women were not permitted to run for a seat in the New Zealand parlieament until 1919. Finland was the first independent nation in the world to give full suffrage, the right to vote and to run for office, to all citizens including women in 1906.

Which Ocean goes to the deepest depths?
That would be the Pacific Ocean. The deepest point on the globe is the Marianas Trench with a depth of 10,924 meters (35,840 feet) below sea level. The trench is located South of Japan and North of New Guinea.

What is the northernmost land on earth?
This geographical touchpoint is known as Ultima Thule, so named in 330 B.C. by the Greek explorer Pytheas of Massalia. Unfortunately Pytheas didn't take very good notes and no one could figure out just where this place actually was. The explorer Robert Perry was believed to have discoverd Thule as the Northernmost tip of Greenland in 1900. More recent explorations, however, have now set Kaffeklubben Island, a spot slightly north of Cape Morris Jesup (83°40'N, 29°50'W), as the spot.

Where is the Worlds Largest Aquarium?
As for natural aquariums, the smart-alec answer is that you will find it off the coast of every major continent. It goes by different names depending on what part of the globe you stand on when viewing it. However, that does not fit the definition of an aquarium as being an artificial enclosure. For the biggest such attraction one must travel to Atlanta. The Georgia Aquarium, located in Atlanta, Georgia at Pemberton Place, is billed as the "world's largest aquarium" with more than 8.1 million US gallons (31,000 m³) of marine and fresh water housing more than 100,000 animals of 500 different species.

What country has not fought in a war since 1815?
Switzerland has not fought a war since 1815, when the Congress of Vienna granted independence and neutrality to Switzerland.

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Victorian Jewelry

Dear Sir, I am seeking to purchase some Victorian Era jewelry for my Second Life wife..what sort of gemstones were popular during the era ..should I be looking for a particular design in a ring? Thank ye kindly.

Sir, you are a gentleman and I commend you on being so thoughtful of your beloved spouse. In order to properly answer your question I had to do a little resarch of my own. I shall summarize some of that information here and will provide links to the articles themselves should you or my other dear readers wish to peruse them. <adjusts his professorial mortar board>

The Victorian era spanned 64 years and is divided into 3 major periods, The Early Victorian Period, or Romantic Period, spanning 1837-1860; the Mid or High Victorian Period, also known as the Grand Period spanning 1860-1885; and the Late Victorian Period, or Aesthetic Period spanning 1885-1901. The world of nature, inspired from styles of the Renaissance and Middle Ages, were very popular motifs in Victorian Jewelry. Bouquets of flowers, branches, leaves, grapes and berries remained fashionable. There was a symbolism associated with flowers that carried through the first half of the century. Snake and serpent motifs, as symbols of wisdom, reached their peak in the 1840's. The most popular metals incorporated into the jewels of the era were 18k to 22k gold, tri-color gold, silver, rolled gold and electroplate.

In the late 1830's to early 40's, lady's clothing fashionably covered all of the body. High necklines and bonnets covered the ears, therefore, necklaces and earrings were not often worn. Extremely large brooches were in vogue, and worn at the neck during the day, or at the low décolletage, often combined with fresh flowers, for evening wear. Adornment of the hands and wrists became increasingly important, with Victorian rings and large bracelets designed to make the hand look dainty and feminine. The most widespread gemstones used in jewelry during the Early Victorian Period were diamonds (rose-cuts and brilliants), amethyst, pink and golden topaz, turquoise, chalcedony, coral, garnet, ruby, seed pearls and cameos. Cameos were fashioned out of many elements, including shell, lava, coral and micro-crystalline, layered quartz varieties.

The latter half of the century saw a revival of Egyptian, Etruscan and Phoenician style jewelry. The passing of the Duchess of Kent, and later Prince Albert, the American Civil War and the assassination of President Lincoln brought death and mourningto the forefront of peoples minds and influenced fashions as well. Lockets became an important fashion accessory. They were often suspended on "book chains" that could double as bookmarks at night.

Although originally considered bad luck, opals became very popular, reaching a peak in 1886. Other popular gemstones in the mid-Victorian period were amethysts, cabochon garnets, crystal, emeralds, diamonds, onyx, pearl, ruby, black glass, bog oak, jet ivory and tortoise shell. Also popular was so-called "Cock Cover Jewelry" fashioned from the ornately hand pierced cock covers from watches made in the previous century. The earliest examples of Victorian solitaire diamond rings, set in both gold and silver were seen in 1895. The most popular gemstones in the late Victorian period were amethyst, aquamarine, chrysoprase, chrysoberyl, opals, moonstones, sapphires, turquoise, peridot and rubies.

For your additional reading:
http://www.langantiques.com/university/index.php/Victorian
http://www.jewelryexpert.com/articles/antique3.htm

And a gallery of Victorian era pieces.
http://www.joden.com/cat/victoria/index.htm

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Formality and Friendliness

Why do so many people insist that formality means one is being cold? Or that one cannot be both friendly and formal at the same time?

To my great and good friend I, your humble servant, send this my most heartfelt appreciation for your insightful and poignant query. Pray, allow me now to tender this response. In this present day and age, when the norm of social discourse has become somewhat less genteel than was the case in previous eras, formality has become associated with either pretentiousness or aloofness rather than polite respect. This is aided by conventions of the English language. English has no equivalent to the honorifics of Japanese, for instance. Not so long ago young ladies and gentlemen were instructed in proper deportment and ettiquete. Ones education was not considered "finished" without these important lessons in smoothing the rough edges that so often lead to social frictions.

I am of the firm opinon that it is indeed still possible to conduct oneself properly, with respect and gracious good will toward others. In short that, yes, one can be both formal and friendly. Unfortunately, some with which one interracts will not appreciate this as a show of respect but will revile it as a pretentious affectation.

Once again, I extend my most heartfelt gratitude for thinking of presenting this quandry fo my elicudation. I pray you recieve it in good health and that it will ease your mind.

Formally and unpretentionsly yours,

Onyx Plutonian

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Friends no more?

I have been friends with someone for several months recently I get the feeling he is not interested or cares about our relationship anymore should I just move on? I have talked to him in the past but thinks he just pacifies me and doesn't know how to end.

OK, I got real busy after soliciting these questions two weeks ago and just now have time and energy to answer them. I apologize to the questioners and pray your forgiveness for this delayed response.

Dear friend, thank you for this question. It is a normal progression in any relationship for the initial excietement of discovering one another to wane after a time. This does not neccessarily mean that either party has grown tired of the other. It may simply mean that a comfortable equilibrium has been reached. They may still enjoy one another's company, but not with the same intensity or immediacy as there once was.

Should you move on? I don't think so, at least not in the sense of entirely cutting contact with your friend. If you are dissatisfied with his seeming aloofness, then perhaps, yes, seek out others with which to share your time and interests. It may also be that your friend simply has other concerns on his mind. People shift the focus of their concentrations from time to time. Your freindly neighborhood tiger, for instance, had to shift focus away from this public service for a while. It does not neccessarily mean the thing shifted away from is any less important, merely that some things have become more urgent. Note: there IS a difference between important and urgent.

Builder's Bane

A house design of mine has recently been copied, very, very closely. This person owns a design group and apparently I'm not good enough to invite. Good enough to copy but not invite me to the group? What should I do? :(

Ack! The builder's bane! I am so sorry you have had to endure this outrage, my friend. Unfortunately I am not much of an expert in this area. I'm not sure there is much you can do legally, though. Unless the copier employed textures you had created, and thus may have some copyright protection for, or you can somehow prove copybotting, then I do not know that you have much recourse vis a vis either Linden Labs sanction or other legal avenues. The people you will want to contact are the organizers of the Step Up! campaign (http://stepupsl.wordpress.com/) especially the Content Creators Association (http://contentcreatorsassociation.blogspot.com/) and those behind the Step Up ning (http://step-up-sl.ning.com/). I believe Miss Saffia Widdershins, editrix of Prim Perfect Publications and Designing Worlds hostess, is central to that group. They will be able to advise you better than I on the next steps you should take.

Ask a tiger.

Separation Anxiety

I am crazy about this woman I met in Second Life, she has become a very miportant part of my life both second and real life. We are both married and she feels strained keeping second and real separate...any advice I can pass on to her would be helpful.

Thank you for your question, my friend, and congratulations on making such a wonderful connection. Yours is not an uncommon dilemma in the realm of virtual relationships. I maintain that the separation between virtual and actual lives is one of the more difficult balancing acts we face in the digital age. The problem is that the veil of separation is often porous, or quite nearly transparent at times. It often depends on the individual. Some people have little trouble compartmentalizing their experience. Others, with a more holistic mindset, have great difficulty doing so. The most porous aspect of separation is the emotional. There is always an actual living person behind the avatar persona. (At least until the advent of Strong AI) The emotions evoked by the relationships we build in the virtual realm are undeniably real and often quite strong.

This is a topic on which I have expended much mental energy and have discussed at length with many of my close friends. There are many ways that people learn to deal with keeping the two worlds separate. Some don't bother to at all. One thing all of these have in common is the understanding that the virtual world does indeed effect the actual. Another is that one must have their actual life in order first. You say she feels strained. This indicates to me that while she may feel strongly for you she also feels strongly for her spouse. I do not know for sure what your beloved's conflict is, but I can guess that she may be feeling guilty about her association with you. If this is so, then she needs to sort out her relationship with her 1st Life spouse. I would advise you to do the same. I am not qualified to make any sort of pronouncement on whether a romance in SL constitutes an issue of fidelity in 1st Life. What I can say is that if the spouse believes it does, then that becomes a serious matter which must be resolved.

I fully appreciate the intensity of the connection and immediacy of emotions that Second Life® romances can invoke. I have had one or two myself. However, if your beloved is feeling a conflict within herself, then it is time to consider whether the experience you share is worth the potential damage or even dissolution of what may otherwise be loving and fulfilling relationshps in the physical realm.

Ask a tiger.

All my son eats is bacon and hot dogs and some potato chips and sometimes bread with peanut butter..this can;t be healthy what can I do he is four.

Thank you for your question, my friend. Dealing with a picky eater is tough. One part of me, the one that loves "guy food", says, "bacon, hot dogs, chips and peanut butter. Perfect! What's wrong with that?" At least your son has fixated on some long standing favorites. He has already acquired a real man's palate. Honestly, peanut butter, in this tiger's opinion, is surely one of the most perfect of foods. Thank you George Washington Carver. And bacon! My dear friend, I applaud you for introducing your offspring to the joys of bacon. But, yes, you are a good parent and quite right. Man cannot live on peanut butter and bacon alone, as much as we might wish we could. My older cub is also a picky eater; so, I know the challenge and concerns you face. I still cannot get either of my cubs to eat potatoes or eggs. I am not a nutritionist; so, take anything I say here with that in mind. With that said, let me first assure you that by and large children will eat what they need from a nutritional standpoint. It may be that your cub has a particular need for salt and protein at this time, or maybe he just likes the taste. As parents it is incumbent on us to provide our stubborn little ones with healthy choices; but, one must pick ones battles. At four years of age it is not always possible to reason with them. Instead, you might try to inject a bit of fun into the process. Make fun healthy snacks like carrot sticks with dip. Or, since he likes peanut butter, put some on celery sticks with raisins on it. This is called ants on a log (http://familycrafts.about.com/od/creativesnacks/r/antslogrec.htm). Supplementing his diet with children's vitamins is also acceptable; and do be sure to give him plenty of milk. Another thing you might try is combining those things he does like with new things. Make beans and franks, for example. If he likes cheese, mix it in with broccoli, or try green beans with bacon (http://southernfood.about.com/od/greenbeans/r/bln436.htm). In this way you can maybe start to broaden his idea of what tastes good. Be patient, be loving, and he will do just fine.

And now, all this talk of food has gotten me hungry. Please, allow me to share with you one of the most brilliant homages to bacon on the interwebs. I give you The Bacon Flowchart: http://bacontoday.com/the-bacon-flowchart/

Ask a tiger.

Picky Eater

All my son eats is bacon and hot dogs and some potato chips and sometimes bread with peanut butter. This can't be healthy what can I do? He is four.

Thank you for your question, my friend. Dealing with a picky eater is tough. One part of me, the one that loves "guy food", says, "bacon, hot dogs, chips and peanut butter. Perfect! What's wrong with that?" At least your son has fixated on some long standing favorites. He has already acquired a real man's palate. Honestly, peanut butter, in this tiger's opinion, is surely one of the most perfect of foods. Thank you George Washington Carver. And bacon! My dear friend, I applaud you for introducing your offspring to the joys of bacon. But, yes, you are a good parent and quite right. Man cannot live on peanut butter and bacon alone, as much as we might wish we could. My older cub is also a picky eater; so, I know the challenge and concerns you face. I still cannot get either of my cubs to eat potatoes or eggs. I am not a nutritionist; so, take anything I say here with that in mind. With that said, let me first assure you that by and large children will eat what they need from a nutritional standpoint. It may be that your cub has a particular need for salt and protein at this time, or maybe he just likes the taste. As parents it is incumbent on us to provide our stubborn little ones with healthy choices; but, one must pick ones battles. At four years of age it is not always possible to reason with them. Instead, you might try to inject a bit of fun into the process. Make fun healthy snacks like carrot sticks with dip. Or, since he likes peanut butter, put some on celery sticks with raisins on it. This is called ants on a log (http://familycrafts.about.com/od/creativesnacks/r/antslogrec.htm). Supplementing his diet with children's vitamins is also acceptable; and do be sure to give him plenty of milk. Another thing you might try is combining those things he does like with new things. Make beans and franks, for example. If he likes cheese, mix it in with broccoli, or try green beans with bacon (http://southernfood.about.com/od/greenbeans/r/bln436.htm). In this way you can maybe start to broaden his idea of what tastes good. Be patient, be loving, and he will do just fine.

And now, all this talk of food has gotten me hungry. Please, allow me to share with you one of the most brilliant homages to bacon on the interwebs. I give you The Bacon Flowchart: http://bacontoday.com/the-bacon-flowchart/

Ask a tiger.

Pete and Alice

I am in love with Pete since Oct last year. We had a lot in common so we became friends quickly but he started going out with Alice in Dec. Nobody had known he loved her; not even his best friend. I did tell himm i loved him too now we are not even frien[ds anymore.]

Ohh dear, what a sad story. Unrequited love can be so tragic. I feel for you, my friend. You say Pete started dating Alice in December and now we are in March. That's a reasonably long time. I think it is safe to say at this point that he has moved on. If I were you I would too. There are many more deserving men out there. It is sad to say, but sometimes the chemistry only flows one way. He may have been a good friend to you, but quite obviously did not share the romantic attraction. There is too much life out there for you to tie yourself in knots over this unfortunate incident. Get out there, enjoy all that life has to offer. Another wonderful man will likely come your way. Put this one behind you and journey onwards.

Ask a tiger.

Friend vs Friend

Is there any practical way to get across to an acquaintance that his-or-her actions in regards to one relationship have really hurt older, mutual friends? I believe, for one, they feel discarded w/o merit, although they won't particularly show it.

My apologies for the delay in my response. My friend, nothing is as practical as just coming right out and saying what is on your mind. I caution you, however, if you are not a direct party in whatever transpired, it may not even be your place to say anything. Interjecting yourself in the situation only spreads the drama fire. The best course would be to let the principal parties handle it themselves. You may certainly express your support to the friends whom you think have been discarded. However, you cannot speak for others. They must do so for themselves. Believing your friends feel discarded is not enough. Confirm this with them first. You may be overestimating their state of mind, or even be entirely wrong about it. Also, from what I can gather by your question, these mutual friends are also secondary parties. Let the principles work out the situation for themselves. The best thing you can do is be available as a sounding board should either of them need one.

Ask a tiger.

Wedding Planning

I am so excited I think my Second Life boyfriend is going to ask me to marry him..I don't know how to start planning a SL wedding ..any tips! Oh I am going to say yes!

Hooray for you! What an exciting time to be sure. I certainly hope all goes well for you. Assuming your instincts are right and he does ask you, congratulations. Don't start planning anything until he does, though. That will only build up expectations and I would hate for your bubble to be burst. That said, after he asks and once you have settled down a little and stopped floating three meters off the ground then you can start planning, right? OK. I am the furthest thing from an expert on weddings, although I have been to a few, in both lives. So, I will draw on my limited knowledge to offer you a few guidelines.

First, keep it simple. The more elaborate you make it the more things can go wrong. In the same vein, I tend to favor smaller weddings to massive affairs.

Second, you should decide what sort of wedding you want, whether christian traditional, old west "justice of the peace", buddhist, neko, vampire, betazed or something more outre. Then you can start writing out a list of the props and participants you'll need. Xstreet SL can be your friend here. Try not to break the bank. You don't have to spend a bundle to have a great wedding. One enterprising soul has even put together a complete Wedding-in-a-Box type package for a mere L$450 (https://www.xstreetsl.com/modules.php?name=Marketplace&file=item&ItemID=1084291)

Third, most weddings, SL or 1L have a few things in common; the couple getting married, an officiant, a venue and the guests. Of these, the couple, that is you and he, are the most important. Take a breath and relax. Do not stress every little thing. Weddings are meant to be joyous loving affairs. If you are not enoying it, step back and regroup. Finding someone to perform the ceremony for you is closely tied to the particular theme you choose, as is the venue. SL Search can help here. There are many places specifically designed for weddings. And more than a few people out there who farm themselves out to perform them. A few nice places come to my mind right away. If you are looking for something in the Christian mode, St. Patrick's church in Magellan Kinvara (http://slurl.com/secondlife/magellan%20kinvara/165/119/25/) is one of my favorites. For something less specifically tied to a particular theme Muse Village (http://maps.secondlife.com/secondlife/Al%20Tang/128/129/65/) has a lovely wedding chapel.

For the guests, I strongly suggest sending invitations. They may be as simple as a standard SL notecard or as elaborate as a piece of twisted prim artwork. The most common ones are those that feature some sort of object that the recipient rezzes to either receive the notecard or see the invite as a large card or such. Here again XStreet SL will be most useful. With one quick search using "wedding invitation" as the criteria I found a few very clever ones ranging in price from L$10 to many thousands. For example: (https://www.xstreetsl.com/modules.php?name=Marketplace&file=item&ItemID=1747812) or (https://www.xstreetsl.com/modules.php?name=Marketplace&file=item&ItemID=1784599)

Another big consideration in many weddings is the bride's dress. SL Search can help you there too. A few designers I know off hand that do great work are Sparkle Skye (SparkleSkye Designs), Paul Lapointe (Lapointe & BastChild) and Evangeline Miles (Evie's Closet)

**Disclaimer: All endorsements or suggestions made above are unsolicited and uncompensated.**

Ask a tiger.

My BF Or My BFF's

I really love this guy and he loves me. Ours is a Second Life only relationship but I doubt that it gets any better than this. The problem is our time is very limited together and I have lots of friends I want to spend time with too, but I sense jealousy fro[m him] on this ..I love him but I resent his telling me what to do or that I have to spend time with him ..I have told him this but he just doesn't seem to get it.. I need to be with my other friends...

Thank you for your question, my friend. Good for you in finding a loving relationship in SL. Such things should be cherished. From the sound of it, this is a relatively new romance, compared to how long you've known your friends, at least. What strikes me as odd, however, is that you say you and he have limited time to spend together and yet you choose to spend that limited time with your long time friends rather than building and strengthening the bonds between you and your lover. If I were him I might be a trifle put out as well. In my experience it is usually the other way around. Ones friends, usually, expect that when romance blooms they will see less of you as you develop that relationship.

Ask yourself, dear friend, how you might feel were the situation reversed. How would you feel if this new love of your live decided he'd rather spend his limited SL time with his buddies than with you? Would you not, perhaps, feel somewhat left out? Would you not be asking him to spend more time with you? If he is being demanding and beligerant about it, then maybe I could understand your resentment a little. But, if he is simply asking, "Why don't we spend more time together? Why would you rather hang out with them instead of me?" then maybe you need to consider things from his side.

You say your time is limited. I can relate. I have many friends and close relationships in SL also, and my time with them is likewise limited. It comes down to priorities. You need to decide what is the best use of that time. Is it better for you to spend that time strengthening and deepening the relationship with your lover, or in hanging out with friends with whom you have already built strong ties and who will likely understand that you have a romantic interest to develop.

Ask a tiger.

Bachelor Party

I am a guy and my Second Life wedding is coming up and my friends would like to get some escorts for a party in Second Life..I guess it's an SL bachelor party ... is this cheating?

Thank you for the question, my friend, and may I first say congratulations on your impending nuptials. So, the comrades have fallen back on the well worn tradition of the last hurrah, eh? Well, your situation is one often encountered in both lives. The fact that you thought to question the appropriateness of it speaks well of you, and is in part an answer in itself. I would not say that merely having a bevy of beauties at your party necessarily poses a problem. Whether you avail yourself of their services, however, is another matter. The question of fidelity is a complex one, in either 1st or Second Life, more-so in the latter, I think.

I am hardly qualified to pronounce a moral stand; however, I can offer you a couple of guidelines as you make this decision for yourself. First, consider the nature of your relationship with your betrothed. If you already have an expectation of exclusivity, then, wedding vows or not, extra-curricular activity would constitute a breach of that implied compact. One way to determine whether this is the case is to ask yourself two questions, "How would SHE view the situation?" and "If the thong were on the other bedpost, how would YOU react?" Bear in mind that perception IS reality, most of the time, and that in both questions it is the perception of the potentially offended party that counts. Also, in matters of the heart, perceptions are the devil's own work to overcome.

Once again, congratulations on your partnering and may it be fulfilling and joyous for you both.

Ask a tiger.

I Miss HIm.

I am 35 with 2 kids. I just started dating a guy and our relationship is very intense. We were in constant contact until a week ago, now it's less than sporadic..he says it's work, but I am worried. I miss him and told him so what should I do?

What should you do? First, take a breath and relax a little. Now, sit back and listen to the old tiger. I tend to be a rather trusting person. Unless he has given you cause to doubt his sincerity, I would take him at his word. Ones Life often interferes with ones Pleasures. It has only been a week of relative inactivity. I appreciate the depth of your feelings and your desire to be with the object of your affections. You say you have just started dating; so I will surmise that this means the relationship is less than a month old. The fires of passion still burn brightly. It is difficult to be separated from one to whom you have become so close. I understand. You also said that he hasn't entirely disappeared. So, I advise you to give him a little more time. Let him know you still feel affection for him and will be there when he returns. That supportiveness will reap its reward when he does. In the mean time, enjoy your kids.

Ask a tiger.

The Tall and Short of It.

Would you rather have sex with a woman who is four feet tall or eight feet tall?

I have no preferance so far as height is concerned. Both are delightful in their particular ways. This holds true in both 1st and 2nd Lives. In a purely SL context; however, coupling with someone closer to ones own height, around 7' 4" in my case, does tend to help the poseballs line up better. That said, height mismatch is still not really an issue. The visual aspects - animations, camera angles and such - are but a portion of the whole experience. Creative emoting trumps visuals every time. If that emoting makes use of the disparity in interesting ways, all the better.

Ask a tiger.

The Root of All Ills

What do you believe to be the root of most problems in relationships?

An excellent question, my friend. Thank you for asking. In this tiger's most humble opinion, the root of nearly all anxieties, fears, conundrums, conflicts and drama with respect to relationships can be expressed in one word: Communication. To be more specific, faulty or deceptive communication. Vibrant, healthy relationships are founded upon, grow through and are sustained by the free, open and honest exchange between the parties involved. The issues of trust and security are secondary to and all have communication at their core. When one or the other withholds something from the exchange, whether from fear, uncertainty at the response, or plain deceptiveness, then the foundations of trust crumble and the sheltering feelings of connectedness and security erode away. It seems almost ironic in an era of near total connectivity, that the lack of communication still plagues us. And yet, we can spout words, phrases and sentences entirely devoid of substance just as readily now as we ever could.

Ask a tiger.

Love Found and Lost

I am in LOVE! it's Valentine's day and I can't find the woman who could be the love of my life..I met her in Second Life two nights ago and haven't seen her since. She is a beauty and smart too...but I a[m] desparate I need to find my lady love.

Oh, my poor lovestruck friend. Cupid's arrow has found its mark; but someone moved the target, eh? Well, fortunately for you, SL has this amazing feature called Search which may make it easier for you to find your lady. If you have her name, plug it in there and pull up her profile. Her Picks tab will probably show some of her favorite places and/or people in SL. That should give you a start on where to look for her. Now, I do not advocate prowling around all of her haunts and pestering her friends. That comes very close to stalking, which besides being a most ungentlemanly way to comport oneself is a sure fire way to send the object of your affections running for the hills. It may also cause her to call upon her protectors who may unleash various unpleasant consequences upon your person.

My friend, what I suggest is a more casual approach. I understand your impatience to reunite with this lovely lady; however, you must exercise a little self restraint. She may simply have been unavailable during the weekend. Many people are as they must attend to the demands of their 1st Lives during those days. It should suffice to merely send her an Instant Message saying something to the effect of, "I hope you are well. I had a wonderful time the other day and would like to see you again." Even better, you might even include an invitation to an upcoming event, a dance, a live music concert, etc. (Ehem. If you will pardon the gratuitous plug, we have a regular live music concert every Tuesday on Thistle Hill at 7PM SLT. MrMulti Writer's music is suitably romantic for such a reunion.)

I would not send more than one Message if I were you. Although, if she is one of those perpetually busy people one often encounters in SL who often find their Message queue overfilled, then perhaps extending your invitation via Notecard would be better. Also, Notecards have the advantage of generally being more difficult to ignore than Instant Messages. On the other hand, Instant Messages may potentially be read while one is off the grid, if the "IM to email" option is selected.

Ask a tiger.

Never to Meet

My problem is quite the opposite of the last one you addressed ..my biggest fear is that I will never meet my SL lover in RL ..we are both married. We never speak of this but I sense he wants it as much as I do and resists it..I think it is driving wedge

Urf, your question got chopped by formspirng, but I think I get the gist of it. Firstly, thank you for the question, my friend. This is a difficult situation to be in, and one that a great many people face. There are quite a few issues wrapped up in these few statements. I will address only that which I think is perhaps the most crucial. That is the issue of communication. You have said that you and your SL beau have not discussed this latent desire of yours. I urge you to do so. Communication is the most essential ingredient in any healthy, positive relationship. Do not rely on assumptions and a "sense" of what he wants or doesn't want. Get it out in the open and plainly stated. That is the only way to eliminate the wedge you feel building between you. I caution you, however, he may not have the same desire for an actual rendezvous that you do. His hesitation or resistance may be more than mere reluctance. I do not want to put any unwarranted fears in your mind, but you should be prepared for the possibility. Even so, continuing to exist in this uncertain state of "does he or doesn't he" is unhealthy for you and will negatively effect both your 1st and 2nd Life relationships.

Which brings me to a second point. If you continue to pursue this, bear in mind the possible, nay likely, repercussions. Should you cross the digital divide, pulling aside the veil of virtuality, you will quite probably destroy two once loving relationships for the tenuous hope of another. I do not know the circumstances of your 1st Life marriages, of course. They may be on the verge of collapse already, or they may be very rich and loving. You are both adults, presumably, and must make that determination for yourselves.

Ask a tiger.

Ailing Elder

Dear Tiger of Wisdom. How does one deal with a demented dad who thinks he's an RAF commander who has been taken as a POW for German and French experimentation?

Ouch, that’s a difficult situation, my friend. I should remind you, and all my dear friends and readers, that I am not a mental health professional. I do sympathize with your situation, however. I can only imagine how terribly distressing it is to have to bear this deterioration of one so close. My only advice to you is to seek the care of a professional. A little research with the help of Messrs. Google turned up a few tidbits that may also help. The complex nature of this delusion seems to fit with what I have learned is called Lewy body dementia, a condition similar to Alzheimer’s disease. Here is a link to a page from the Merck Online Medical Library that discusses this. http://www.merck.com/mmhe/sec06/ch083/ch083c.html#sec06-ch083-ch083c-500

Assuming your father is suffering from Lewy body dementia the Merck Manual recommended treatment essentially involves “general measures to provide safety and support”. I interpret this to mean keep them safe from harming themselves or others, and try to calm the confusion of their mind with continued outpouring of love.

Ask a tiger.

Favorite poetry.

You seem to like literature I have heard about your reading Jules Verne in the Second LIfe who is your favorite poet and why?

Thank you for your question, friend. Truthfully, I am not much of a connoisseur of poetry. Prose is more to my taste. However, I do have a few favorite poems. It may come as no surprise to you that “Tyger, Tyger, Burning Bright” by William Blake sits at the top of the list. It is, for me, a beautiful homage to the power and majesty of the beast for which I feel an affinity. Another favorite of mine is “Sea Fever” by John Masefield. My higher self served a number of years in the US Navy. This poem speaks to the love of the sea that I continue to carry with me. Coleridge’s “Rime of the Ancient Mariner” was one of the first poems I committed to memory, many long years ago. It is a powerful tale. The last poem I will mention is “When first mine eyes did view, and marke” by Sir Thomas Wyatt. It is a lovely little piece that quite surprised me when I first read it. It seems to be a sweet love poem at first, but one quickly sees that it is indeed a lover’s lament.

Ask a tiger.

Get a Job

My son moved in three months ago and has yet to find a job. He is 22 and has a degree in education..I think he could find something. I keep trying to get him to look for work but he either stares at the computer all day or watches sports on tv.

Thank you for your question, my friend. What’s a parent to do? Just when you thought your chicks had grown and finally spread their wings they wind up back in the nest. I have seen reports that indicate that this situation is becoming more common as the economy wavers and the job market tightens. You say your son is 22 with a fresh new shiny degree. The education field can be a difficult one I which to find a position. Of course, I can only speak from my outsider’s knowledge of the education system in the US. As I understand it, most, if not all, states require a teaching certificate in addition to the degree, assuming he wants to teach. Then, in a climate of budget cuts and "doing more with less" one has to find a school district that is actually hiring.

This reality does not, however, excuse one from actively pursuing gainful employment. From the tone of your statement I will assume that the hours spent staring at the computer do not involve useful things like polishing his resume, perusing education related employment sites or the like. Here are a couple that I recommend:
http://secondary.school.jobs.topusajobs.com/
http://www.ihiresecondaryteachers.com/

Take it from me, a world champion lay-about, sometimes it is all a matter of motivation and momentum. How does one get the horse to drink the water? One has to find the will within oneself to take the first steps. Sometimes this requires a little nudge from our loved ones. I have, fortunately, had the tigress to chivvy me along when I get too lazy for anyone’s good. Continue to be supportive and encouraging; but, don't let him rest on his laurels. Don't be accusitory or demanding. Just ask him how many resumes he posted that day, or how many positions he applied for. Be patient, but don't let up on him. If he really wants to pursue this as a career he needs to treat the job search process as a job in itself. Set goals with concrete deadlines and benchmarks. Commit to a course of action. He may not be able to find a job in his chosen field right away. I would encourage him to look for other employment in the meantime, even if it is just a part time position bagging groceries or whatever. One thing job search gurus will tell you is that it is easier to find a job if you already have one.

Ask a tiger.

Guess who's coming to visit!

I figure I'd ask a Tiger, since they seem to have wonderful tidbits of wisdom. My SL husband, who is my lover in RL, is coming over in about three weeks. How does one cope when one sees the person that they love for the first time?

Thank you, dear friend, for your question and for your kind words. I am not entirely sure how wonderful my tidbits might be, but I hope I can at least ease your mind. He already knows you as well as one can via distance communications. I'll assume you converse regularly with text and voice, and may even have had visuals. In that case I will tell you that you very likely have little to worry about. As I have said before, in an earlier question, the primary cause of SL-to-RL failure is surprise. You have eliminated pretty much all possible sources of that. He loves your mind, your soul. You both know what the other looks like. Just about the only thing left is actual physical contact. Assuming there are no real barriers to that for either you or him, I think that part is probably the easiest to deal with. Relax, my friend. Rejoice in having found the love of your life and rest easy. I have a feeling it will all work out just fine.

As for coping, take a deep breath, keep in mind how much he loves you, and enjoy it.

Ask a tiger.

Troublesome Three-year-old

I need some child raising advise...how can I get my 3 year old to clean up his toys either at home or friends house and not scream in themiddle of a grocery store. Really getting on my nerves..I can't take him anywhere...

Oh those rascally little cubs! I have two of my own. They are somewhat older than three and I still have trouble getting them to pick up after themselves. When they were younger, however, and we needed them to put it all away, we employed the "make a game of it" strategy. As for the screaming in public, that requires a different approach. Believe it or not, the little dears are trainable. I am not a parenting expert, but there are a few things that have worked well for me. The good news is, and I *can* speak with authority of this one, they do grow out of the screaming stage. Whenever we take our cubs anywhere we re-enforce the expectations. We run down the litany of "Wills" and Will nots". Now and then we have to employ the "Carrot and Stick" approach. If they start to mis-behave, we offer an enticement (ok a bribe), if they behave, they get it. If not, they do not.

The key is clear expectations, repettiton and consistancy. It has often been said that children need limits, that they need rules. I tend to agree with this. They want to behave, to do the things that make you shower them with love and affection. They just need to learn what those things are. As a parent one of your jobs is to set the limits of acceptable behavior. It is also true that they will do whatever you let them get away with. So, when setting those limits it is important to also establish consequences for mis-behavior. I will not go so far as to elaborate on what those consequences entail, exept to say do not make a promise you cannot keep, or threaten a punishment that you cannot carry out.

For more informed advice, I recommend the following websites:
iVillage: This is their section on Toddler/Pre-schooler Behavior issues
Parenting.com: an article entitled 5 Tantrum Stoppers That Work

Ask a tiger.

Tired of SL

HI Onyx, Lately I feel like I am on the outside looking in Second Life goings on have lost their luster and fun. When I go in world I just want to take care of paying my tier and that's it..old friends are sending me messages wanting to know what happened. I don't know what to tell them. I feel empty inside, feel like the time and effort I put into those friendships in the past was a waste for them and for me. Feeling lost and alone in Second life and real life.

My dear friend, and I do hope you will consider me a friend, despair not. Time spent building relationships is never wasted. The evident concern your freinds have for your well being is proof of this. You appear to have reached a time of SL burnout. This is not uncommon, especially if you have been doing much the same thing for a while. Also, it is now near the end of what for some has been a long cold Winter. I know I am subject to the so-called "winter blues", myself. So, maybe some of that has contributed to your mood as well. The best cure I know for this is novelty. I hit the "logging in only to pay tier" stage a while ago myself. So, I started looking for different things I had not yet done in SL. This little Ask a Tiger thing is one result of that search. One need not restrict the search for novelty to SL either. As another option, perhaps a time of withdrawal and reflection would prove beneficial, or at least some time to engage with 1st Life for a while. Occasionally one needs to re-establish the balance between actual and virtual lives. Your friends will certainly understand the need to recharge your batteries, as it were. Besides, there are so many ways to maintain contact across the aether that you need not lose touch with your SL friends entirely.

Take heart, my friend, as with the seasons of the year, the Winter of the soul is almost always followed by a Spring-like reawakening. Sometimes we have to decide to allow it. Sometimes we have to help it along.

Ask a tiger.

Career Change

I´m considering changing career, quit my job and dedicate myself fully to virtual worlds. What are the risks? How long until vws are used by the masses. Why does my horoscope not give me any answers? Thank you tiger.

Thank you for your question, my friend. Changing careers always entails risks. One must deal with learning new skills, and usually with completely starting over, at the bottom of the totem pole as it were. Trading in a meatspace career for one in the metaverse is not something I would recommend, at this time. Unless you are already among the fortunate few who have managed to earn a living wage via virtual commerce the probability of doing so is quite small. The vast majority of Second Life(R) entrepreneurs either operate at a loss or manage to just break even.

The last economic report released by "the Lab" (
2009 End of Year Second Life Economy Wrap up ) indicates that the Second Life economy is growing; but, it still has a long way to go before it becomes a part of every day life. The most telling number, in this tiger's opinion, is that for repeat log-ins, meaning those users who actually return. At the peak in December of 2009 that number was only 769,000. While still a record high it is hardly what one would classify as global domination. As a measure of success, "the Lab" offers a figure for the amount of lindens traded for US dollars and then transferred to Paypal. They call this the Gross Resident Earnings which they peg at US$55 million for 2009. Sounds like a lot; but, that equates to only about $71.50 for each of those repeat log-ins. Naturally, these earnings are not evenly spread. Only around 50 accounts earned more than US$100,000 in 2009 with the top 25 pulling in about US$12 million. That leaves only US$43 million, spread among everyone else.

In my estimation we are still many years away from full adaptation of virtual worlds, perhaps even a decade or more. Besides the economic realities, the wide acceptance of virtuality has many obstacles to overcome. Chief among them is the perception of virtual worlds as merely a game, or as little more than a vehicle for nerds to realize their sexual fantasies. There is also an issue of utility and convenience. Until there is a compelling reason to NEED a virtual world and a relatively easy way to access one, there will be no mass adoption.

Your horoscope does give you answers, my friend. Like any oracle, however, they are often cryptic and usually only understood after the fact. Or, they may not pertain to the question you had in mind.

Ask a tiger.

Has the well run dry?

Has the Ask a Tiger well run dry?

I for one certainly hope not. I have greatly enjoyed answering these questions, and hopefully I have been able to help one or two people along the way. It may be time, however, to expand my reach beyond plurk and/or twitter. I need to consider additional means of promotion. If anyone wants to help me out in that area, I am all ears.

Ask a tiger.

A weighty revelation.

I have lost almost 50 pounds and have about 50 more to go I am afraid to tell my SL lover about my weight loss for fear he will think I am fat in RL and lose interest in me in Second life..what should I do? I am proud of my weight loss but afraid to share

Thank you for your question, my dear increasinggly healthy friend. Congratulations on your successful weight loss thus far and may you continue toward your goal. You are rightfully proud of your achievement in this endeavor. If I knew who you were I would give you a great big tiger hug and a hearty huzzah! the next time we meet on the grid.

Now, to your concerns, revealing anything such as height, weight or even eye color to ones SL lover is a risky proposition. Often, however, with risk comes reward. Were I your lover it would make no never mind to me, but I suppose for some men it would. In my experience the close relationships we make in SL tend to be founded on more than mere appearances. Sure, one may be at first attracted to the appearance of someone's avatar; but, in a sea of idealized beautiful people such superficiality rarely leads to anything meaningful.

What shoud you do? I am hardly one to tell anyone what they should or should not do. However, I maintain that open and free communication is the foundation of meanigful relationships. This is a significant event in your life. Sharing this with the one closest to you is an opportunity for the two of you to build on the intimacy you already have. Either he will rejoice with you, or he won't. I suspect the former; but, should your fears be realized, then perhaps he simply was not the right person for you at this time after all.

Ask a tiger.

He has a female alt.

I am heartbroken...I discovered a few days ago the my Second Life partner has an a female alt..he is a male in rl and SL at least so a I thought. I found out that he has been having sex with other femles with his female alt...I am disgusted,but love him.

My dear friend, it can indeed be disconcerting to discover unexpected things about somenone close to us. What is it about this revelation that disgusts you, though? Is it the gender swapping? If so, I assure you that it is not uncommon for people to have avatars of the opposite gender from their 1st Life selves. One of the fascinating things about the metaverse is that it allows us to explore these aspects of self.

If your discomfort stems from the idea that he is enjoying sex with other women, then that is potentially a sign of a more serious issue. In either case I would advise you to talk to him about your concerns. Communication is critical to maintaining loving healthy relationships. You said you still love him, and that is a good thing. Tell him you do. May the Builder bless you both.

Ask a tiger.

Chili!

Quick there is a chili cook off coming up and I need a good recipe for my company team..got any ideas?

Yumm, chili! One of the USA's great contributions to world cuisine.

First, I do not recommend making chili out of ones co-workers. However, there are many other acceptable alternatives. Here's a simple one

- 1lb ground beef (In this tiger's opinion vegetarian chili does NOT count as real chili.)
- garlic powder, onion powder, chili seasoning
- 4 cans of spiced chili beans
- 3 cans diced or stewed tomatoes (various flavors are available)

1. Brown the meat with garlic powder, onion power and chili seasoning.
2. Transfer the meat to a slow cooker/crock pot.
3. Add beans and tomatoes and stir the mess together.
4. Cook in the crock pot for four to six hours.
5. Serve with grated cheese, chopped onion and french bread.

More inventive recipies are available here: Famous Chili Recipies

Ask a tiger.

Why a tiger?

Why a tiger? Why not an antelope or a lizard?

Why not a tiger? Tigers are cool, regal, powerful, sometimes cuddly. Antelope are food. Lizards are not very cuddly. Really, for me it is simply a matter of personal preferance. I have always admired the great cats. For whatever reason tigers appeal to me more than the others.

Ask a tiger.

Fantasies of another

When making love to my boyfriend I have fantasies about my Second Life boyfriend, even though I have never seen my SL boyfriend in RL I have a good idea of what he looks like. Is this wrong?

Thank you for your question, my friend. I am pleased to inform you that fantasizing about others while engaged in intimacies is not uncommon. Experts in sexuality even claim it is all part of having a healthy libido. So, in that respect, no, your fantasies are neither bad nor wrong.

I am generally of the opinion that whatever enhances your enjoyment of the experience, and that of the other party's, is a Good Thing(tm). On the other hand, if you find that thoughts of your virtual lover are distracting you from enjoying the attentions of the man you are with in the physical, then this may be a sign of other issues in the relationship. Furthermore, if you are distracted, and he is an attentive lover, he will sense it.

Ask a tiger.

Frisky kitties!

Since you are a feline and a furry, How can I keep my two 3 and a half month old kittens from tearing around the house and knocking over vases? They just don't listen to me!

Oh those scampering kitties! One doesn't need to be a tiger to know that cats simply do NOT listen unless they feel like it. For kittens this goes double as they are also full of the boundless energy of youth. One cannot discipline a cat in the same manner one would a dog, either. One method of discouragement that does work to some degree is judicious use of a sqray bottle. Unlike tigers, housecats don't like water very much and a little squirt may disrupt their game of chase. I also advise either locking away your breakables or at least moving them to relatively inaccessible places. One must "cat proof" their house in much the same way one "kid proofs" it, as least for a while. Soon enough they will settle down to the sedate aloofness that is proper to all good cats.

Ask a tiger.

Get a job.

I have been struggling to figure out how to make money in Second Life..where can I get a job?

My dear impoverished friend, finding employment and/or making money in SL is not all that different from the ways one does so in 1st Life. There are basically two paths to follow; one of which is considerably more difficult but potentially more rewarding than the other.

As the official Guide to Jobs in Second Life (from the SL Wiki) points out, ones first stop on the less difficult path should be the Classifieds section of the SL forums. I will add that there is also a Classifieds tab in the Search window. I find it amusing that, after all the to-do about adult content on the grid, the very first potential job listed in the official job guide is still Dancer. Even more that within the descriptive paragraph it also points out that this often leads to the stripper/escort option. Regardless, the fact remains that the most readily available paid position in SL is club dancer. Indeed the vast majority of job postings are for dancers and other club related positions. Even if that is not what you want to do with your SL time, I still recommend looking through the classifieds. There are many non-club type jobs listed also. Beyond the classifieds, I would recommend deciding just what sort of activity you want to do, and use Search to find potential employers in that field. If you want to be a photographer, for instance, Search for other photographers. You might get lucky and one of them might actually be looking for someone to help out.

The more difficult path is to create your own “job”. This may be either product or service related. Either one creates something (clothing, gadgets, vehicles, homes, etc) and tries to sell it, or one provides a needed service (teacher, event coordinator, advertising consultant, property manager, etc.)

Ask a tiger.

Who Made Your Avatar?

I'm a part-time furry...I was wondering who made your avatar and where you get your clothes. I've got a tiger, a sabre tooth cat and a fox.

Thank you for your question, my sometimes furry friend. OK, here's the breakdown:
-The basic look (skin, head, ears, tail) is the AnthroXtacy White Tiger v2. I decided to forego the digigrade legs and oversized paws because (1) trousers fit better on standard legs, (2) there are other things I'd rather attach to the hand attachment points.
-To this I added a set of horns from RM Patchwork for an exotic devil-cat look.
-The shape is a freebie I picked up long ago as is the hair.

I get my clothes from all over, mostly in the Steamlands though. Some of the designers in my clothing folder are Mako Magellan, Terry Lightfoot (To-a-T), Nix Sands (XCENTRICITY), blakOpal Galicia, Lumina Elvehjem (Luminous Designs), Reghan Straaf (Hatpins), Paul Lapointe (Lapointe and Bastchild), hyasynth Tiramisu (silentsparrow) and Destany Laval (UnZipped).

Ask a tiger.

He's driving me crazy!

My boyfriend slurps his food, his soup, smacks his gum and makes weird snorting noises..I love him, he's a terrific guy but this is driving me crazy..what can I do?

What to do, indeed! Firstly, good for you for having progressed thus far in your relationship that the little things like these are what comes up. I would venture a guess that you no longer ignore morning breath either. This is good and healthy. It is a sign that most of the rough corners have been worn away and now only these little imperfections are causing friction.

Fortunately, my dear friend, there may be a solution for you. And now I apologize to all the men out there. I am going to reveal one of the secrets of the fraternity. Believe it or not, in small things like this men, and tigers, are trainable. I know this for a fact. One merely needs patience and persistence.

As any mother of boys, or wife of many years, can tell you, the proper application of either guilt or displeasure can work wonders. So, the first thing is, do not keep your annoyance to yourself. However, do not go overboard either. Whenever he slurps, smacks or snorts simply give him "the look". You may have to add an exasperated, "Must you?" now and then also. Eventually, he will get the hint and, if he is as terrific as you say he is, will adjust his behaviour accordingly.

Ask a tiger.

Is it love?

Dear Onyx,How do you know when you're really in love, instead of just really, really having a crush on a person? Is there a way to tell?

Ahh, Love. That "many splendored thing" of which the poets wax so eloquent. The ever elusive and yet oh so powerful driving force of our lives. What a wonderfully timely question, my friend.

I am not often given to quoting scriptures; but, in this case there is, in this tiger's opinion, no more eloquent expression of the qualities of love than that given by St. Paul in his first letter to the Corinthians.

"⁴Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. ⁸Love never fails." - 1Cor 13:4-8 NIV

So, my friend, one thing you might ask yourself is whether what you feel matches up with these qualities. A woman who is very dear to me once summed it up rather succinctly. Being "in love" is a feeling, Loving is a decision. On the first look that may sound rather cold, but think about it. Feelings wax and wane, but it takes determination and resolve to want to be with someone through all of life's ups and downs.

Here is one thought experiment that might help you. Take a moment and think about all the things that turn you on about the object of your affections. Now, take them away. Can you say that you still love what is left? If he or she were disfigured, incapable of speaking those sweet nothings that make you melt, had no money or even simply held a wildly opposing political view would you still want to be with them, care for them, give your whole self to them? If your answer is yes, then, my fortunate friend, you may really love them.

Ask a tiger.