Overweight and unhappy.

I am 19 years old I weigh over 200 pounds. I loose and gain weight VERY quickly. I restrict myself from junk-food most of the time but then over-eat at other times. I see food and I want to eat..I put on 50 pounds in 2 years.  I am female and get teased...

My young friend, I feel your distress and frustration. Unfortunately, weight is one remaining acceptable prejudice in the 21st Century. The pressure to conform to a particular body type can be overwhelming, especially for young ladies in their late teens. I am not going to lecture you about the health risks of being severely overweight. I am sure you are probably well aware of them. I am going to tell you that "over 200 pounds" is not necessarily severely overweight. I am also going to tell you that thin is not as "in" as it used to be.

I see increasing evidence that full-figured, curvy, "real" women are equally well regarded as attractive and desirable. What I am trying to say is do not be ashamed of your size. I would urge you to learn to be comfortable with yourself. When you like yourself, then that self-love will shine through and attract others. If you would be more comfortable at 150 rather than 200, so be it. Make the decision to do something about it. Set a goal and determine the steps you need to take to reach that goal. Share your goal with a friend who can encourage you and keep you accountable.

You are lucky in several respects. You are still young and so your body responds well to changes in diet and activity. Believe me, as you get older it becomes more difficult to shed the unwanted weight. I sense that you would like to lose those 50 pounds you've put on. I cannot recommend any particular diet or exercise regimen. What I can do is tell you that it is a matter of personal discipline and finding what works for you. You know what healthy foods you should eat. You know that moderate exercise will raise your metabolism and burn off some of the excess. These messages have been drilled into us by the "fitness culture" we currently live in.

I also want you to understand is that a positive outlook is every bit as important as the diet and exercise. Don't punish yourself if you indulge once in a while. If you make yourself miserable trying to reach your desired goal, then you will resent the process and fight it every step of the way. Patience is also important. You say you put on 50 pounds over two years. Those 50 pounds will not come off overnight. The biggest reasons people try diet after diet losing and gaining the same ten to twenty pounds over and over is because they don't enjoy the regimen and so they cannot wait to get it over with. That is, they are unhappy with the process and have no patience to see it through. Another big problem is that many of the "lose 30 pounds in 30 days" type programs are just what they say, short term quick fixes. They are also often unhealthy. They rarely address real life behaviors and habits.

There you have it, my friend. You can overcome this challenge in your life. I have faith in you.

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Performance Issues

My husband does not seem to want to have sex any more ..it's sensitive but he can't seem to perform.  We had separated for a while since getting together again our sex life is almost non existent.  I think he no longer desires me ..

My dear concerned friend, let me first say that I understand and sympathize with your uncertainty. Let me also say that it is probably not as bad as you fear. There are many and various reasons why men may have difficulties of this type that are completely unrelated to his desire for you. My first suggestion would be to have him visit his doctor to determine if there may be a physiological issue. You say you were separated for a time. It is good to know that you are back together, but maybe there are some lingering issues that might require a good long talk, or several, to resolve. Ask yourself, and him, what were things like before the separation, how have they changed? I suspect there may be a need for rebuilding between you. On a positive note, there was something that brought you two back together. Purrhaps that is something on which to build a new and lasting romance. I wish the best for you, my friend.

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Client or Friend.

Dear Tiger, I did some work for a friend in Second Life and felt he was pleased only to discover that he has been complaining about me to others. I am concerned this could ruin my Second Life business and my friendship is ruined..how can i trust him?

My industrious friend, thank you for this question and for your contribution to Content in Second Life. I dislike it when people put on a false face then go around spreading negativity when the subject thereof is not present. The strategy for handling this is the same as it would be for any business, analog or digital. You should determine the source of your client's dissatisfaction (in this scenario he is more your client than your friend) and seek to correct whatever is amiss in such a way that does not hurt your business (i.e. - doesn't drain your finances overmuch). Here is an opportunity for you to show just how good your customer service skills are. You should approach him in a friendly manner with something along the lines of, "I have heard you may be dissatisfied with the work I did for you? I wish you would have come to me about it. I'd like to do what I can to fix it." I'd wager that once his grievance is addressed the episode will pass and the overwhelming voices of your satisfied customers will prevail.

Repairing your friendship is another matter entirely. Your friend displayed poor manners in complaining to others behind your back when he should have gone to you privately and explained his issues. A most ungentlemanly display. Yes, it will be difficult to trust him after this, of not impossible. Such matters of trust can only be repaired over time and even then only partially. You have to decide how important it is to you to maintain the friendship and whether you are willing to give him the time to regain your trust.

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Chattiquete - part 2

Also, what about friends who never reply when I initiate a chat? "Hi, how are you?" Nothing. And, then, there is the friend who almost always "hides" that she is online.What about that person? So frustrating and upsetting too..are they friends then or no?

Thank you once again, my friend. It is sad to say, but yes, even your friendly neighborhood tiger has been guilty of the non-response once or twice. However, I have taken steps to be more responsive. For one, the change to vertical tabs in the IM window helps considerably. Continuing the analogy from the previous question, if you do wave at your friend in the crowded room and they don't wave back, what does this mean? For the sake of simple common courtesy a recognition wave or nod of the head is certainly expected. The same should hold true in IM's and chat. A "Hi, how are you?" should at least be met with a return "Hi! busy right now." It would be perfectly acceptable for people to use the "Busy" or "Auto Reply" features. At least that way the initiating party would not be left unanswered. As I mentioned before, we often get very busy in our digital lives; so, failure to respond should not immediately be taken as a brush off or snub. If it becomes a regular pattern, however, then it might be a signal for concern.

Hiding ones online status is one way people cope with the continual pressure to interact which prevails in the digital realm. In the analog, one can shut ones door or leave a crowded room. It's not so easy in cyberspace. How do we re-acquire "personal space" when we need it? Sometimes people simply need to be left alone. They may need time for reflection or to finish a project. Is this a sign that they do not value your companionship, or that they don't want to be with you? Not necessarily. Is it frustrating? Undoubtedly.

You have touched on an underlying issue beyond courtesy, however. How do we define "friendships" in the era of instant "friending" via the Book of Faces, ning, spruz, plurk, SL, etc? If you have established a social connection with someone that goes beyond merely adding them to your Contacts list, then at some point a certain expectation and pattern of response develops. When one of the two parties changes that pattern the other will naturally wonder why. Should one feel slighted when a casual acquaintance does not respond to a "/me waves"? In general, I would think not. However, you seem to indicate by your question that the hider is more than a casual friend. If this is the case, then I can only assume they feel the need for social space. I cannot and will not speculate as to the reasons why.

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Chattiquete - part 1

When going into my instant messaging or Second Life and notice that someone else is already online, who has the ultimate responsibility to take notice? The person signing on or the person already there?

Thank you for your question, my friend. In this new era of continuous, instant multiple channels of communication, these matters of IM/chat ettiquete (chattiquete?) are familiar to us all. This is an excellent example. I would say that a lot depends on the circumstances and the nature of the relationship. It would certainly be impractical to suggest that we all have an obligation to ping everyone on our contacts lists who happens to already be on when we log in. That can swiftly become rediculously overwhelming for all concerned. If, however, the person in question was expecting you for a pre-arranged rendezvous or it is someone with whom you regularly spend most of your online time, then giving them an IM wave is reasonable.

One should consider that the other party is likely engaged in some other activity rather than simply staring at the contacts list waiting for you to appear (although this may be the case in some relationships). If they are in fact so engaged then it is quite easy to miss the "Bob is online" popup. This is particularly the case in SL when using Viewer 2. In this tiger's opinion, the popups have been made considerably less noticeable in Viewer 2 when compared to earlier versions.

In general then, I would put the resposibility of first contact on the one who has just arrived rather than the one already there. It is analogus to entering a crowded room and waiting to be noticed. It is much more effective to walk up to the person for whom you are looking and tap them on the shoulder.

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