Wedding Planning

I am so excited I think my Second Life boyfriend is going to ask me to marry him..I don't know how to start planning a SL wedding ..any tips! Oh I am going to say yes!

Hooray for you! What an exciting time to be sure. I certainly hope all goes well for you. Assuming your instincts are right and he does ask you, congratulations. Don't start planning anything until he does, though. That will only build up expectations and I would hate for your bubble to be burst. That said, after he asks and once you have settled down a little and stopped floating three meters off the ground then you can start planning, right? OK. I am the furthest thing from an expert on weddings, although I have been to a few, in both lives. So, I will draw on my limited knowledge to offer you a few guidelines.

First, keep it simple. The more elaborate you make it the more things can go wrong. In the same vein, I tend to favor smaller weddings to massive affairs.

Second, you should decide what sort of wedding you want, whether christian traditional, old west "justice of the peace", buddhist, neko, vampire, betazed or something more outre. Then you can start writing out a list of the props and participants you'll need. Xstreet SL can be your friend here. Try not to break the bank. You don't have to spend a bundle to have a great wedding. One enterprising soul has even put together a complete Wedding-in-a-Box type package for a mere L$450 (https://www.xstreetsl.com/modules.php?name=Marketplace&file=item&ItemID=1084291)

Third, most weddings, SL or 1L have a few things in common; the couple getting married, an officiant, a venue and the guests. Of these, the couple, that is you and he, are the most important. Take a breath and relax. Do not stress every little thing. Weddings are meant to be joyous loving affairs. If you are not enoying it, step back and regroup. Finding someone to perform the ceremony for you is closely tied to the particular theme you choose, as is the venue. SL Search can help here. There are many places specifically designed for weddings. And more than a few people out there who farm themselves out to perform them. A few nice places come to my mind right away. If you are looking for something in the Christian mode, St. Patrick's church in Magellan Kinvara (http://slurl.com/secondlife/magellan%20kinvara/165/119/25/) is one of my favorites. For something less specifically tied to a particular theme Muse Village (http://maps.secondlife.com/secondlife/Al%20Tang/128/129/65/) has a lovely wedding chapel.

For the guests, I strongly suggest sending invitations. They may be as simple as a standard SL notecard or as elaborate as a piece of twisted prim artwork. The most common ones are those that feature some sort of object that the recipient rezzes to either receive the notecard or see the invite as a large card or such. Here again XStreet SL will be most useful. With one quick search using "wedding invitation" as the criteria I found a few very clever ones ranging in price from L$10 to many thousands. For example: (https://www.xstreetsl.com/modules.php?name=Marketplace&file=item&ItemID=1747812) or (https://www.xstreetsl.com/modules.php?name=Marketplace&file=item&ItemID=1784599)

Another big consideration in many weddings is the bride's dress. SL Search can help you there too. A few designers I know off hand that do great work are Sparkle Skye (SparkleSkye Designs), Paul Lapointe (Lapointe & BastChild) and Evangeline Miles (Evie's Closet)

**Disclaimer: All endorsements or suggestions made above are unsolicited and uncompensated.**

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My BF Or My BFF's

I really love this guy and he loves me. Ours is a Second Life only relationship but I doubt that it gets any better than this. The problem is our time is very limited together and I have lots of friends I want to spend time with too, but I sense jealousy fro[m him] on this ..I love him but I resent his telling me what to do or that I have to spend time with him ..I have told him this but he just doesn't seem to get it.. I need to be with my other friends...

Thank you for your question, my friend. Good for you in finding a loving relationship in SL. Such things should be cherished. From the sound of it, this is a relatively new romance, compared to how long you've known your friends, at least. What strikes me as odd, however, is that you say you and he have limited time to spend together and yet you choose to spend that limited time with your long time friends rather than building and strengthening the bonds between you and your lover. If I were him I might be a trifle put out as well. In my experience it is usually the other way around. Ones friends, usually, expect that when romance blooms they will see less of you as you develop that relationship.

Ask yourself, dear friend, how you might feel were the situation reversed. How would you feel if this new love of your live decided he'd rather spend his limited SL time with his buddies than with you? Would you not, perhaps, feel somewhat left out? Would you not be asking him to spend more time with you? If he is being demanding and beligerant about it, then maybe I could understand your resentment a little. But, if he is simply asking, "Why don't we spend more time together? Why would you rather hang out with them instead of me?" then maybe you need to consider things from his side.

You say your time is limited. I can relate. I have many friends and close relationships in SL also, and my time with them is likewise limited. It comes down to priorities. You need to decide what is the best use of that time. Is it better for you to spend that time strengthening and deepening the relationship with your lover, or in hanging out with friends with whom you have already built strong ties and who will likely understand that you have a romantic interest to develop.

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Bachelor Party

I am a guy and my Second Life wedding is coming up and my friends would like to get some escorts for a party in Second Life..I guess it's an SL bachelor party ... is this cheating?

Thank you for the question, my friend, and may I first say congratulations on your impending nuptials. So, the comrades have fallen back on the well worn tradition of the last hurrah, eh? Well, your situation is one often encountered in both lives. The fact that you thought to question the appropriateness of it speaks well of you, and is in part an answer in itself. I would not say that merely having a bevy of beauties at your party necessarily poses a problem. Whether you avail yourself of their services, however, is another matter. The question of fidelity is a complex one, in either 1st or Second Life, more-so in the latter, I think.

I am hardly qualified to pronounce a moral stand; however, I can offer you a couple of guidelines as you make this decision for yourself. First, consider the nature of your relationship with your betrothed. If you already have an expectation of exclusivity, then, wedding vows or not, extra-curricular activity would constitute a breach of that implied compact. One way to determine whether this is the case is to ask yourself two questions, "How would SHE view the situation?" and "If the thong were on the other bedpost, how would YOU react?" Bear in mind that perception IS reality, most of the time, and that in both questions it is the perception of the potentially offended party that counts. Also, in matters of the heart, perceptions are the devil's own work to overcome.

Once again, congratulations on your partnering and may it be fulfilling and joyous for you both.

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I Miss HIm.

I am 35 with 2 kids. I just started dating a guy and our relationship is very intense. We were in constant contact until a week ago, now it's less than sporadic..he says it's work, but I am worried. I miss him and told him so what should I do?

What should you do? First, take a breath and relax a little. Now, sit back and listen to the old tiger. I tend to be a rather trusting person. Unless he has given you cause to doubt his sincerity, I would take him at his word. Ones Life often interferes with ones Pleasures. It has only been a week of relative inactivity. I appreciate the depth of your feelings and your desire to be with the object of your affections. You say you have just started dating; so I will surmise that this means the relationship is less than a month old. The fires of passion still burn brightly. It is difficult to be separated from one to whom you have become so close. I understand. You also said that he hasn't entirely disappeared. So, I advise you to give him a little more time. Let him know you still feel affection for him and will be there when he returns. That supportiveness will reap its reward when he does. In the mean time, enjoy your kids.

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The Tall and Short of It.

Would you rather have sex with a woman who is four feet tall or eight feet tall?

I have no preferance so far as height is concerned. Both are delightful in their particular ways. This holds true in both 1st and 2nd Lives. In a purely SL context; however, coupling with someone closer to ones own height, around 7' 4" in my case, does tend to help the poseballs line up better. That said, height mismatch is still not really an issue. The visual aspects - animations, camera angles and such - are but a portion of the whole experience. Creative emoting trumps visuals every time. If that emoting makes use of the disparity in interesting ways, all the better.

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The Root of All Ills

What do you believe to be the root of most problems in relationships?

An excellent question, my friend. Thank you for asking. In this tiger's most humble opinion, the root of nearly all anxieties, fears, conundrums, conflicts and drama with respect to relationships can be expressed in one word: Communication. To be more specific, faulty or deceptive communication. Vibrant, healthy relationships are founded upon, grow through and are sustained by the free, open and honest exchange between the parties involved. The issues of trust and security are secondary to and all have communication at their core. When one or the other withholds something from the exchange, whether from fear, uncertainty at the response, or plain deceptiveness, then the foundations of trust crumble and the sheltering feelings of connectedness and security erode away. It seems almost ironic in an era of near total connectivity, that the lack of communication still plagues us. And yet, we can spout words, phrases and sentences entirely devoid of substance just as readily now as we ever could.

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Love Found and Lost

I am in LOVE! it's Valentine's day and I can't find the woman who could be the love of my life..I met her in Second Life two nights ago and haven't seen her since. She is a beauty and smart too...but I a[m] desparate I need to find my lady love.

Oh, my poor lovestruck friend. Cupid's arrow has found its mark; but someone moved the target, eh? Well, fortunately for you, SL has this amazing feature called Search which may make it easier for you to find your lady. If you have her name, plug it in there and pull up her profile. Her Picks tab will probably show some of her favorite places and/or people in SL. That should give you a start on where to look for her. Now, I do not advocate prowling around all of her haunts and pestering her friends. That comes very close to stalking, which besides being a most ungentlemanly way to comport oneself is a sure fire way to send the object of your affections running for the hills. It may also cause her to call upon her protectors who may unleash various unpleasant consequences upon your person.

My friend, what I suggest is a more casual approach. I understand your impatience to reunite with this lovely lady; however, you must exercise a little self restraint. She may simply have been unavailable during the weekend. Many people are as they must attend to the demands of their 1st Lives during those days. It should suffice to merely send her an Instant Message saying something to the effect of, "I hope you are well. I had a wonderful time the other day and would like to see you again." Even better, you might even include an invitation to an upcoming event, a dance, a live music concert, etc. (Ehem. If you will pardon the gratuitous plug, we have a regular live music concert every Tuesday on Thistle Hill at 7PM SLT. MrMulti Writer's music is suitably romantic for such a reunion.)

I would not send more than one Message if I were you. Although, if she is one of those perpetually busy people one often encounters in SL who often find their Message queue overfilled, then perhaps extending your invitation via Notecard would be better. Also, Notecards have the advantage of generally being more difficult to ignore than Instant Messages. On the other hand, Instant Messages may potentially be read while one is off the grid, if the "IM to email" option is selected.

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Never to Meet

My problem is quite the opposite of the last one you addressed ..my biggest fear is that I will never meet my SL lover in RL ..we are both married. We never speak of this but I sense he wants it as much as I do and resists it..I think it is driving wedge

Urf, your question got chopped by formspirng, but I think I get the gist of it. Firstly, thank you for the question, my friend. This is a difficult situation to be in, and one that a great many people face. There are quite a few issues wrapped up in these few statements. I will address only that which I think is perhaps the most crucial. That is the issue of communication. You have said that you and your SL beau have not discussed this latent desire of yours. I urge you to do so. Communication is the most essential ingredient in any healthy, positive relationship. Do not rely on assumptions and a "sense" of what he wants or doesn't want. Get it out in the open and plainly stated. That is the only way to eliminate the wedge you feel building between you. I caution you, however, he may not have the same desire for an actual rendezvous that you do. His hesitation or resistance may be more than mere reluctance. I do not want to put any unwarranted fears in your mind, but you should be prepared for the possibility. Even so, continuing to exist in this uncertain state of "does he or doesn't he" is unhealthy for you and will negatively effect both your 1st and 2nd Life relationships.

Which brings me to a second point. If you continue to pursue this, bear in mind the possible, nay likely, repercussions. Should you cross the digital divide, pulling aside the veil of virtuality, you will quite probably destroy two once loving relationships for the tenuous hope of another. I do not know the circumstances of your 1st Life marriages, of course. They may be on the verge of collapse already, or they may be very rich and loving. You are both adults, presumably, and must make that determination for yourselves.

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Ailing Elder

Dear Tiger of Wisdom. How does one deal with a demented dad who thinks he's an RAF commander who has been taken as a POW for German and French experimentation?

Ouch, that’s a difficult situation, my friend. I should remind you, and all my dear friends and readers, that I am not a mental health professional. I do sympathize with your situation, however. I can only imagine how terribly distressing it is to have to bear this deterioration of one so close. My only advice to you is to seek the care of a professional. A little research with the help of Messrs. Google turned up a few tidbits that may also help. The complex nature of this delusion seems to fit with what I have learned is called Lewy body dementia, a condition similar to Alzheimer’s disease. Here is a link to a page from the Merck Online Medical Library that discusses this. http://www.merck.com/mmhe/sec06/ch083/ch083c.html#sec06-ch083-ch083c-500

Assuming your father is suffering from Lewy body dementia the Merck Manual recommended treatment essentially involves “general measures to provide safety and support”. I interpret this to mean keep them safe from harming themselves or others, and try to calm the confusion of their mind with continued outpouring of love.

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Favorite poetry.

You seem to like literature I have heard about your reading Jules Verne in the Second LIfe who is your favorite poet and why?

Thank you for your question, friend. Truthfully, I am not much of a connoisseur of poetry. Prose is more to my taste. However, I do have a few favorite poems. It may come as no surprise to you that “Tyger, Tyger, Burning Bright” by William Blake sits at the top of the list. It is, for me, a beautiful homage to the power and majesty of the beast for which I feel an affinity. Another favorite of mine is “Sea Fever” by John Masefield. My higher self served a number of years in the US Navy. This poem speaks to the love of the sea that I continue to carry with me. Coleridge’s “Rime of the Ancient Mariner” was one of the first poems I committed to memory, many long years ago. It is a powerful tale. The last poem I will mention is “When first mine eyes did view, and marke” by Sir Thomas Wyatt. It is a lovely little piece that quite surprised me when I first read it. It seems to be a sweet love poem at first, but one quickly sees that it is indeed a lover’s lament.

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Get a Job

My son moved in three months ago and has yet to find a job. He is 22 and has a degree in education..I think he could find something. I keep trying to get him to look for work but he either stares at the computer all day or watches sports on tv.

Thank you for your question, my friend. What’s a parent to do? Just when you thought your chicks had grown and finally spread their wings they wind up back in the nest. I have seen reports that indicate that this situation is becoming more common as the economy wavers and the job market tightens. You say your son is 22 with a fresh new shiny degree. The education field can be a difficult one I which to find a position. Of course, I can only speak from my outsider’s knowledge of the education system in the US. As I understand it, most, if not all, states require a teaching certificate in addition to the degree, assuming he wants to teach. Then, in a climate of budget cuts and "doing more with less" one has to find a school district that is actually hiring.

This reality does not, however, excuse one from actively pursuing gainful employment. From the tone of your statement I will assume that the hours spent staring at the computer do not involve useful things like polishing his resume, perusing education related employment sites or the like. Here are a couple that I recommend:
http://secondary.school.jobs.topusajobs.com/
http://www.ihiresecondaryteachers.com/

Take it from me, a world champion lay-about, sometimes it is all a matter of motivation and momentum. How does one get the horse to drink the water? One has to find the will within oneself to take the first steps. Sometimes this requires a little nudge from our loved ones. I have, fortunately, had the tigress to chivvy me along when I get too lazy for anyone’s good. Continue to be supportive and encouraging; but, don't let him rest on his laurels. Don't be accusitory or demanding. Just ask him how many resumes he posted that day, or how many positions he applied for. Be patient, but don't let up on him. If he really wants to pursue this as a career he needs to treat the job search process as a job in itself. Set goals with concrete deadlines and benchmarks. Commit to a course of action. He may not be able to find a job in his chosen field right away. I would encourage him to look for other employment in the meantime, even if it is just a part time position bagging groceries or whatever. One thing job search gurus will tell you is that it is easier to find a job if you already have one.

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Guess who's coming to visit!

I figure I'd ask a Tiger, since they seem to have wonderful tidbits of wisdom. My SL husband, who is my lover in RL, is coming over in about three weeks. How does one cope when one sees the person that they love for the first time?

Thank you, dear friend, for your question and for your kind words. I am not entirely sure how wonderful my tidbits might be, but I hope I can at least ease your mind. He already knows you as well as one can via distance communications. I'll assume you converse regularly with text and voice, and may even have had visuals. In that case I will tell you that you very likely have little to worry about. As I have said before, in an earlier question, the primary cause of SL-to-RL failure is surprise. You have eliminated pretty much all possible sources of that. He loves your mind, your soul. You both know what the other looks like. Just about the only thing left is actual physical contact. Assuming there are no real barriers to that for either you or him, I think that part is probably the easiest to deal with. Relax, my friend. Rejoice in having found the love of your life and rest easy. I have a feeling it will all work out just fine.

As for coping, take a deep breath, keep in mind how much he loves you, and enjoy it.

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Troublesome Three-year-old

I need some child raising advise...how can I get my 3 year old to clean up his toys either at home or friends house and not scream in themiddle of a grocery store. Really getting on my nerves..I can't take him anywhere...

Oh those rascally little cubs! I have two of my own. They are somewhat older than three and I still have trouble getting them to pick up after themselves. When they were younger, however, and we needed them to put it all away, we employed the "make a game of it" strategy. As for the screaming in public, that requires a different approach. Believe it or not, the little dears are trainable. I am not a parenting expert, but there are a few things that have worked well for me. The good news is, and I *can* speak with authority of this one, they do grow out of the screaming stage. Whenever we take our cubs anywhere we re-enforce the expectations. We run down the litany of "Wills" and Will nots". Now and then we have to employ the "Carrot and Stick" approach. If they start to mis-behave, we offer an enticement (ok a bribe), if they behave, they get it. If not, they do not.

The key is clear expectations, repettiton and consistancy. It has often been said that children need limits, that they need rules. I tend to agree with this. They want to behave, to do the things that make you shower them with love and affection. They just need to learn what those things are. As a parent one of your jobs is to set the limits of acceptable behavior. It is also true that they will do whatever you let them get away with. So, when setting those limits it is important to also establish consequences for mis-behavior. I will not go so far as to elaborate on what those consequences entail, exept to say do not make a promise you cannot keep, or threaten a punishment that you cannot carry out.

For more informed advice, I recommend the following websites:
iVillage: This is their section on Toddler/Pre-schooler Behavior issues
Parenting.com: an article entitled 5 Tantrum Stoppers That Work

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Tired of SL

HI Onyx, Lately I feel like I am on the outside looking in Second Life goings on have lost their luster and fun. When I go in world I just want to take care of paying my tier and that's it..old friends are sending me messages wanting to know what happened. I don't know what to tell them. I feel empty inside, feel like the time and effort I put into those friendships in the past was a waste for them and for me. Feeling lost and alone in Second life and real life.

My dear friend, and I do hope you will consider me a friend, despair not. Time spent building relationships is never wasted. The evident concern your freinds have for your well being is proof of this. You appear to have reached a time of SL burnout. This is not uncommon, especially if you have been doing much the same thing for a while. Also, it is now near the end of what for some has been a long cold Winter. I know I am subject to the so-called "winter blues", myself. So, maybe some of that has contributed to your mood as well. The best cure I know for this is novelty. I hit the "logging in only to pay tier" stage a while ago myself. So, I started looking for different things I had not yet done in SL. This little Ask a Tiger thing is one result of that search. One need not restrict the search for novelty to SL either. As another option, perhaps a time of withdrawal and reflection would prove beneficial, or at least some time to engage with 1st Life for a while. Occasionally one needs to re-establish the balance between actual and virtual lives. Your friends will certainly understand the need to recharge your batteries, as it were. Besides, there are so many ways to maintain contact across the aether that you need not lose touch with your SL friends entirely.

Take heart, my friend, as with the seasons of the year, the Winter of the soul is almost always followed by a Spring-like reawakening. Sometimes we have to decide to allow it. Sometimes we have to help it along.

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Career Change

I´m considering changing career, quit my job and dedicate myself fully to virtual worlds. What are the risks? How long until vws are used by the masses. Why does my horoscope not give me any answers? Thank you tiger.

Thank you for your question, my friend. Changing careers always entails risks. One must deal with learning new skills, and usually with completely starting over, at the bottom of the totem pole as it were. Trading in a meatspace career for one in the metaverse is not something I would recommend, at this time. Unless you are already among the fortunate few who have managed to earn a living wage via virtual commerce the probability of doing so is quite small. The vast majority of Second Life(R) entrepreneurs either operate at a loss or manage to just break even.

The last economic report released by "the Lab" (
2009 End of Year Second Life Economy Wrap up ) indicates that the Second Life economy is growing; but, it still has a long way to go before it becomes a part of every day life. The most telling number, in this tiger's opinion, is that for repeat log-ins, meaning those users who actually return. At the peak in December of 2009 that number was only 769,000. While still a record high it is hardly what one would classify as global domination. As a measure of success, "the Lab" offers a figure for the amount of lindens traded for US dollars and then transferred to Paypal. They call this the Gross Resident Earnings which they peg at US$55 million for 2009. Sounds like a lot; but, that equates to only about $71.50 for each of those repeat log-ins. Naturally, these earnings are not evenly spread. Only around 50 accounts earned more than US$100,000 in 2009 with the top 25 pulling in about US$12 million. That leaves only US$43 million, spread among everyone else.

In my estimation we are still many years away from full adaptation of virtual worlds, perhaps even a decade or more. Besides the economic realities, the wide acceptance of virtuality has many obstacles to overcome. Chief among them is the perception of virtual worlds as merely a game, or as little more than a vehicle for nerds to realize their sexual fantasies. There is also an issue of utility and convenience. Until there is a compelling reason to NEED a virtual world and a relatively easy way to access one, there will be no mass adoption.

Your horoscope does give you answers, my friend. Like any oracle, however, they are often cryptic and usually only understood after the fact. Or, they may not pertain to the question you had in mind.

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Has the well run dry?

Has the Ask a Tiger well run dry?

I for one certainly hope not. I have greatly enjoyed answering these questions, and hopefully I have been able to help one or two people along the way. It may be time, however, to expand my reach beyond plurk and/or twitter. I need to consider additional means of promotion. If anyone wants to help me out in that area, I am all ears.

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